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I Could Use Someone Like You

Jul. 4th, 2008 | 02:08 am

So it is two in the morning, and my entire family is waking up and about to start loading all of our luggage into my dads truck so that we can go to Oklahoma for the fourth of July. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic for our celebration, seeing as we bought five hundred dollars worth of fireworks to shoot off all in one night, and I love my family and Oklahoma, but I think my dad is insane for insisting to leave by three o'clock. Which is why I decided to stay awake until we leave. And I hate staying up like this, having no one to talk to, because I end up thinking about relationships, and how I hate them, but would not mind one right now. And I can not get one man off my mind: Colin. He is my best friend, and we had a little thing that had a very short life, and decided that being friends was just better. But recently I realized that he is the kind of person that I want to be with. I want everything that he is, but not HIM; if that makes any sense at all. I wish I could create my own man, with the brains of Will, humor of Colin, and wit of Nick. I would be in love.

Damn you for being perfect in every little way, damn you for saying all the right things, because friends is all that we can ever be. - Or is it?

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Fuck

Jul. 2nd, 2008 | 02:43 pm

You Austin Christensen. You have no respect for me, and I have completely lost you as a friend. I hope you see what you have done before college begins, but I will not miss you if you do not.

Yesterday was the best and worst day of my life; Brandi and I met up and, even though it was against our will, we went to white rock cafe to watch Lauren and her band play. A little history - Lauren is gay, but she is so catholic, that she is pretending to be straight, and is screwing around with Austin. I was bothered by half the people that were there, but thank god Austin had not shown his lying face around. Long story short, he came, I got mad, we left and met up with Ash and Brandon for a late nate ihop run. However, despite the drama, Colin was fun and entertained me, it was good seeing Geoff again, and it was awesome smoking in front of Laurens mom knowing that it would get Lauren in trouble.

I want to give a big Fuck You to those who are too afraid to be themselves and end up ruining friendships and good things in the process of pretending to be someone they are not.

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There are some things we understand, and others that we never can.

Jun. 24th, 2008 | 02:22 pm

Those days that you stay inside your house and choose to do absolutely nothing productive are the days that you learn the most about yourself. A person is not defined by how they act when they are with their friends, but rather how they are when they are alone. When you are alone, in a crowd of people that you don't know, completely thrown out of your comfort zone, is who you really are. Do you look for someone like you to try to talk to or do you choose to talk to no one? Everyone, when taken out of their comfort area is a little different, and I know that I am completely thrown off.

I need to shower, and go away for a bit for I am making absolutely no sense.

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Things are never fucking easy

Jun. 22nd, 2008 | 10:59 pm

So Geoff came in town for the first time since he left, and I didn't even get to see him. He decides to tell Ashleigh when he is coming in and not me, and then he comes and doesn't even make a real attempt to hang out with me. It's beyond annoying at this part, and I'm trying to convince myself that he never meant that much to me in the first place. However, despite the asshole showing his face in my hometown, this weekend was quite eventful. I discovered that cute men drive trucks and are named Mitch, and are really attracted to my drunk self hanging out the window; long story short, that is basically how I got his phone number and my love for him. Furthermore, yesterday I went to the hookah lounge and called up my old crush Nick Brown. We hung out and talked about almost everything that night, and we both know that we sparked something between us back up. But I am always more skeptical than everyone else about relighting an old flame. Nothing is ever as good as the first; maybe we just needed some time apart to grow as people, and now we are not even the same people but have the same love, and so everything might be okay. Tonight was really good as well, despite having to be home so early in order to pack for San Antonio tomorrow - which is not going so great. But Brandon, Ashleigh's (i guess you could could say) crush called me and told me to come over to his house. It was just Brandon, my good friends Austin and Zach, his friend Nathan, Zach's girlfriend and myself sitting outside smoking and drinking. It could not have been more chill nor more fun if it tried. And I think I may be trying to play with fire because I think feelings for Brandon might be arising and my love for Austin has not yet died down.

Some people live in a state trying to find just someone to listen to them, love them, kiss them. But when a person has several people to love and hold close to their heart, it might be just as difficult as having no one.

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Finally Hit Me

Jun. 10th, 2008 | 03:46 am

I was sitting down in bed, having a drink and talking to my two best friends via the internet. But as we were recapping certain times, I realized that I am leaving everythig that I have ever known behind in a few weeks. And as much as I look forward to complete freedom, I cannot help but cry. It kills me inside to know that I may never be as close to Ashleigh and Brandi as I am this summer. Furthermore, I may loose touch with every friend: Sam, Geoff, Austin, Brandon, Nathan, Alex, Colin, everyone... I do not want to say goodbye, let alone have to make new friends. It will be easy meeting new people, but I do not want to replace the ones that I love. I do not want to move on, and it is so hard. I know I will bug Brandi and Ashleigh to come visit me, calling them just to see what's new. But all of my past loves and current crushes may all fade and be replaced by new ones. And I am happy with where I am now; this is awful.

Please help me find the strength to meet new people but still keep those whom I love lose to my heart. Why does it have to be this soon? 

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Saying Goodbye

Jun. 8th, 2008 | 07:12 pm

I find saying Goodbye the hardest thing one can face; this is really bad since I am leaving for college soon and will have to say Goodbye to everyone that I ever grew close to. But this morning, Geoff met me for lunch before he had to head back to College Station. I hate him for leaving me here in Dallas, especially when we are just now finding feelings for eachother. It sucked having to say Goodbye for the second time. I wanted to hold onto him instead of driving away, and I should have made a move before he left. However, I realized it is  better that nothing big happened between us because that would have only defined these uncertain feelings. And if I knew that we both feel the same way, and I couldn't have it, it would only make things ten times worse and I would not be able to emotionally handle that.

Is it ever really better to leave things undefined and keep that spark in your stomach with that someone, or should we just go ahead and throw a label on everything good?

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So this will be the recap entry

Jun. 8th, 2008 | 07:01 pm

I have not had a journal in a long time, and in order to understand my future entries, you must first understand what has happened so far:

-I just graduated Bishop Lynch High School.
-I am dating four guys, but none are too serious.
-Brandi and Ashleigh are my best and only girl friends.
-I currently need but cannot find a job.
-I am in a fight with my former best friend with benefits, Colin.
-I just discovered that i have feelings for my best friend, Geoff.

Okay, and if I forgot anything at all, I will go into further explaination when the time comes.

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